Happily Ever After
Life in The Rural Retreat with a beautiful wife, three cats, garden wildlife, a camera, a computer – and increasing amounts about running
Earlier posts can be found on Adventures of a Lone Bass Player, where this blog began life. Recent entries can be found here.
Cookery With Cats – a beginner's guide
by admin - 12:40 on 04 December 2014
Scene: the open plan ground floor of a small cottage, somewhere on the Black Isle.
1 Check that all cats are sleeping or outdoors after being fed.
2 Wash kitchen worktop clean of pawprints and cat hair.
3 Turn away to gather ingredients from kitchen shelves and fridge. Turn back to push grey cat off worktop. Clean worktop.
4 Bend to gather more ingredients from fridge. Straighten up to push grey cat off worktop and engage in staring match with black cat seated on dining table, one small leap from worktop. Clean worktop.
5 Deploy chopping board and newspaper on which to sweep peelings etc. Engage in staring match with tabby cat who's entered cottage through cat-flap and joined black cat on dining table.
6 Turn to put pan of oil/butter on stove. Turn back to push grey cat and tabby cat off worktop. Clean worktop.
7 Peel and chop onions. Place in pan after removing grey cat from top of stove. Turn back to engage in staring match with black cat and tabby cat who are expressing interest in peelings. Turn back to remove grey cat from worktop next to stove.
8 Peel and chop further vegetables, ignoring sound of grey cat leaping on to worktop next to stove.
9 Bend to retrieve tinned tomatoes from cupboard beneath sink. Push tabby cat away from open cupboard. Straighten up to push black cat away from peelings and remove grey cat from proximity to pan. Add tomatoes and stir. Cover.
10 Turn back to worktop. Peel and chop further vegetables, ignoring sound of grey cat leaping on to worktop next to stove and querulous black cat winding around legs. Push tabby cat away from peelings.
11 Turn, remove grey cat from proximity to pan and add vegetables, herbs, seasoning, tomato puree, stock cubes and hot water. Stir and re-cover.
12 Return to worktop. Remove tabby cat from chopping board. Ignore sound of grey cat leaping on to worktop next to stove. Gather peelings and newspaper whilst engaged in staring match with black cat back on dining table.
13 Place rubbish in bin. Turn to push black cat and tabby cat off worktop and grey cat off stove. Clean worktop. Boil kettle.
14 Place pan of boiling water on stove. Add pasta.
15 Open fridge door. Push back shrieking furry whirlwind that believes milk will emerge. Take out cheese. Warning: do not leave unattended on worktop where it will be seized and carried off by black cat.
16 Grate cheese and leave on top of post attached to stair bannister as it's one of the few places that cats have not yet learned to reach.
17 Take five minutes' break. Ignore sound of cats swarming over worktops and yowling for cheese.
18 Drain pasta and add to sauce. Mix. Add seasoning if necessary. Remove from stove and turn off heat. Warn grey cat that rings are still hot.
19 Fill two dishes with pasta and sauce. Add cheese to taste. Give dishes to wife to protect. Ignore sound of starving cats. Leftovers can be placed on top of post attached to stair bannister.
20 Eat. Ignore stares from three pairs of reproach-filled eyes.
Note: Washing-up must take place immediately after eating unless you enjoy the sound of cats scavenging for scraps in the sink.
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